Undaunted.Life: An Undaunted MarriageSample

DAY 4: FIGHTING 

The Elements of an Undaunted Marriage:

1. HEADSHIP

2. DIRECTION

3. DISCIPLINE

4. FIGHTING

I’m sure that most of you were likely confused or caught off guard when you saw the fourth element of an Undaunted Marriage. Up to this point, headship, direction, and discipline should all make sense to have in your marriage. Where does fighting come in? 

Let’s be real, guys… every marriage contains fighting to some degree. Every. Single. One. 

Now, I’m sure you immediately thought about a marriage where the two people “literally never fight.” Perhaps you even thought about your own marriage in this way. However, when people say that they never fight with their spouse, there are only a few options: 1. they’re lying, 2. they’re clueless, or 3. they’re stupid. Likely, they’re lying to save face in a public setting, they’re clueless to the signs around them that point to the contrary, or they’re stupid because they’re literally so dense that they could never comprehend what fighting even is. 

With that established, let’s look at fighting within the covenant relationship of marriage. When you think of fighting within a marriage, you think of the typical things (i.e., bickering, nagging, arguing, yelling, etc.). Perhaps you even take it a step further to include verbal or physical abuse. While all of those things are not equal (and some require an intervention of some sort), they can all be put into the same category: Fighting AGAINST. Additionally, all of these pointless fights usually stem from the same key ingredient: UNRIGHTEOUS anger.

If we’re being honest, most of the fights we get into with our brides are completely worthless. Furthermore, every single meaningless fight you have can be placed in the Fighting AGAINST column… Fighting over where to go to dinner… Fighting over who can take the kid to baseball practice… Fighting over who does what house chores… Fighting over which family you’ll eat Thanksgiving dinner with first… Fighting over how much money can go towards guns and ammo vs. decorations and furnishings… You get the point. These are all worthless fights. They seem like great hills to die on at the time, but it doesn’t take much internal reflection after the fight to realize how insignificant the fight actually was. 

If internal reflection isn’t enough to do the trick, today’s scripture references help shed some more light on how damaging Fighting AGAINST can be:

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” – Proverbs 15:18 (ESV)

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” – Proverbs 16:32 (ESV)

“It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.” – Proverbs 20:3 (NIV)

“An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.” – Proverbs 29:22 (NIV)

“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.” – Ecclesiastes 7:9 (ESV)

“Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil…” – 2 Timothy 2:23-24 (ESV)

Pretty straightforward, right?

So, we’re intimately familiar with Fighting AGAINST. Now, let’s talk about the thing that every Undaunted Marriage has: Fighting FOR. We realize that this won’t sound earth-shattering to some, and that’s not point. The difference between AGAINST and FOR in this context may seem minute, but it is actually huge. When we’re Fighting AGAINST, you can almost guarantee that the conflict will end in anger, disappointment, abandonment, and more conflict. Contrastingly, when we’re Fighting FOR, you can almost guarantee that the conflict will end in satisfaction, understanding, closeness, and less conflict. In stark contrast to Fighting AGAINST, Fighting FOR almost always includes this key ingredient: RIGHTEOUS anger. Unrighteous anger leaves a garbage trail of regret and hurt. Righteous anger blazes a trail for resolution and improvement. 

One of our favorite stories of righteous anger in the Bible is one that many people glaze right over. We likely miss this story because it’s only a whopping four scriptures long. I’m talking about the righteous anger shown by the Apostle Paul in the direction of the Apostle Peter as described in Galatians 2:11-14. 

Paul’s home base for much of his ministry was the ancient Greco-Roman city of Antioch, which is in modern-day Turkey. This city was also where Peter spent a great deal of time in the first century. Inherently, this meant that both men had a tremendous amount of influence on the inhabitants of Antioch. However, when Paul left Antioch to spread the Gospel in other places around the Mediterranean rim, members of the Judaizers aka “The Circumcision Party” (yeah, seriously, that’s what they’re called) began to have a big impact on Peter.

Here was the rub… Based on the teachings of Jesus, Paul correctly taught that salvation came only by faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior; the gospel of justification by faith alone. This meant that Jews that became Christians were no longer required to observe the tenets of the Mosaic Law, and Gentiles (non-Jews) that became Christians would only need to have faith in Christ to have salvation. On the other hand, the Judaizers taught that salvation came by faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior AND by honoring the tenets of the Mosaic Law. Specifically, they believed that any Gentile that decided to become a Christian would need to follow the Jewish ceremonial laws that included required circumcision, cumbersome dietary restrictions, and holiday observance. 

So, imagine being a 40-year-old male, uncircumcised Gentile that decides to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and one of the first things you’re required to do, according to the Judaizers, is get circumcised… Yeah. That would suck. That would require a certain level of EXTRA consideration and dedication. But we digress…

Paul was staunchly and correctly in the justification by faith corner. He knew the clear mandates of Jesus required faith in Him, and that’s it. No works. No acts. No extras. Just faith.

Peter was staunchly and incorrectly in the justification by faith PLUS works corner. He was intimately aware of the teachings of Jesus, but at some point along his path he obviously decided on his own that justification by faith alone seemed a bit incomplete; there just HAD to be something more that we all needed to do. 

This was a conflict that needed a resolution, and Paul wasn’t going to back down or remain silent. He did not want anyone spreading a false version of the Gospel that could directly lead to someone turning away from Jesus and the salvation that comes with Him. 

So, filled with a belly of righteous anger, he made his way back to Antioch and confronted Peter publicly for his hypocrisy. There are varying reports as to the resolution of this conflict, but we know for certain that Paul fought directly for what was right. He did not fight AGAINST Peter for no reason. He fought FOR Peter because he had been led astray and was putting the souls of so many at risk.

Paul was justified in his fight and in his anger. His fight was worthwhile and necessary. Can you say that about the last fight you entered into with your wife? How about your last 10? What about your last 100? How many of your fights are in the Fighting AGAINST category and not the Fighting FOR category?

So, great… We’ve defined that Fighting AGAINST is bad and that Fighting FOR is good. Now, how do we go about Fighting FOR our brides and marriages? 

An Undaunted Husband will enact Fighting FOR in the following three ways:

1. Categorize

We’ve given you the categories, and you’re smart enough to figure out if the impending fight will end up as Fighting AGAINST or Fighting FOR. Just ask yourself: “In this conflict, would I be fighting AGAINST my bride and marriage or would I be Fighting FOR my bride and marriage?”

2. Prioritize

As a general rule of thumb, not every hill is worth dying on. Even some justified fights where you would be Fighting FOR your bride and marriage aren’t always appropriate at the time. Just ask yourself: “Which imminent fight is worth getting after right now, and which can be dealt with later?”

3. Galvanize

You have to be a man of action that is willing to enter the fray for the right reasons at the right time. If you’re normally a passive pansy, then stop being one. If you’re normally the guy who is always looking for conflict, then stop doing that. Shock the situation. Execute a plan. Ask yourself: “How can I fight in a way that will galvanize my marriage and bring me closer to my bride?”