The Complicated Gray: Perhaps, He Walked It FirstSample

In the midst of many desperate-on-my-knee prayers, I’ve had the realization and the reminder of how strongly we can feel two “opposing” emotions at the same time. This is what I call The Complicated Gray. My complicated gray is: • I am forever longing and sad and I am grateful for the mother He made me, even if they aren’t here with me. This is my longing joy. • I love my life and how much I have worked to thrive after loss and I miss my three babies more than words can say. Lately, this has been my grateful guilt. This is the hard work of walking in the freeing truth of the complicated gray. It is the work that has saved me after a failed infertility journey and learning to walk this earth without my children by my side. I think it is the work we all must do, because whose life has turned out how they hoped, dreamed, or planned? And, the more I think of it and learn, we are nowhere near the first to walk this walk. Perhaps, we had a model who did it best a long, long time ago. Jesus longed and loved. He angered and loved. He grieved and loved. He struggled and He trusted His Father, …not my will, but yours be done. Luke 22:42 He knows me. He sees me. He understands me. This faith and truth does not make the complicated gray easier to feel and muster through. It does, however, ground me and help me to stand my sacred truth. That even though I shake my fist at Him on some days because the story He has written for me hurts like hell, makes me sad and feels unfair, I know and trust that He’s got this, that He knows me (and best) and that He has my ending. My only job is to emulate His love, walk in my truth, and to choose joy. Because when I do that, I honor my three babies and myself. And that, my friends, is the best thing any mother can do for herself and her children.