Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE CLAIMS TO BE SORRY BUT IS STILL BEHAVING BADLY

When it comes to managing the aftermath of an affair, there are certain situations that call for the use of serious and resolute tactics. Such strategies are especially useful when the guilty party appears unrepentant; but they become an absolute necessity — a matter of simple survival for the betrayed spouse — when the offender says he (or she) is repentant but behaves in a manner that flatly contradicts his protestations of remorse. Hardened hearts and unrepentant minds call for drastic measures.

Unfortunately, it is all too often the case that the wounded spouse is not only reticent but actually afraid to implement such measures. She allows herself to be bullied into adopting a “victim” mentality. Sometimes she can even be persuaded to swallow the idea that the affair was somehow her fault, and that as a result it’s up to her to coddle the adulterer in every way possible so that he won’t repeat his offense. Fearful of “provoking” the unfaithful partner, she assumes a co-dependent mindset and ends up enabling the guilty party to persist in behavior which, from an objective point of view, can only be regarded as appalling. In one such case, a woman actually consented to allow her husband, who had supposedly “repented” of an extramarital affair, to date other women while continuing to live in her home!

Make no mistake about it. Forgiveness is a wonderful Christian virtue. But forgiveness alone won’t eliminate this kind of dysfunction. If infidelity has become an established pattern in the history of a couple’s relationship, it will not go away until both partners decide to address the root causes of the problem together. This in turn won’t happen until the wounded party takes the bull by the horns. Instead of accepting guilt and blame, a man or woman in this position needs to confront his or her spouse with a very direct question: “Are you or are you not willing to work with me to save this marriage?” If he is willing, he has only one choice: he has to cut all ties with the other party immediately. There can be no room for discussion or debate on that point.

Bottom line: a man (or woman) who feels he has the right to violate his marriage vows with impunity and without consequence and betray his wife while continuing to live with her under the same roof is seriously misguided. This is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive behavior, and it should not be tolerated under any circumstances. The wife of such a husband needs to force a crisis and issue an ultimatum. If her man wants to continue to be unfaithful, he’s going to have to find new living accommodations. If separation is what it takes to open his eyes and stimulate some self-examination on his part, then so be it. At this point, there is no other hope for the marriage.

Meanwhile, the wife needs to engage the assistance of a trained Christian counselor and enlist the support of Christian friends. If she has children, she should make up her mind to deal with this situation for their sake if not for her own. She needs to cling to the Lord and her Christian friends and pray without ceasing for the courage to make it through each new day. God wants us to lean on one another during times of trouble. Many churches sponsor support groups for individuals facing such challenges. If her husband considers himself a Christian, she should also enlist the support of the church community in confronting him on his unacceptable behavior in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17.